Stewart's Diary

I've been keeping a diary for my friend.

I think I need to record for posterity how evil Stewart is.


27/11/2007

Day one: Stewart is going to Seville to watch football. He tries to hide the real reason for going, but all his friends know he's going to perv at men in shorts. Stew admitted that he has no time for his friends anymore. It could be because he has AIDS. Stewart incited me to call a work colleague a tramp. Now I have an enemy in the office who tells me to fuck off. I shouldn’t listen to Stewart but I feel obliged to because he has herpes.


28/11/2007

Day Two: Stewart is adamant him and jesus are the same. He sent me a picture of a T-Shirt saying Jesus is gay to point out the similarity. I think Stewart would be much happier if he came out of the closet and admitted his religion. He sent me a list of his favourite things today:

Stewart CS: cheese
Stewart CS: poo
Stewart CS: weeeeee

He also admitted that he doesn’t get paid enough or frequently when he said “Stewart CS: i hope we get paid before xmas again this year” as he hasn’t been paid since February and has to eat on peoples charity.


29/11/2007

Day Three: Stewart hasn't mailed me yet - the depression caused by the lack of money and having Bad AIDS must have made him even more ill. Poor Stewart, if only someone would give him the break he deserves he could a decent job rather than having to whore himself out to these mysterious events in Tel Aviv, Birmingham and Munich.

Stewart sent me an e-mail, immediately showing his schizophrenic problems by telling me

Stewart GIBCS: mate i am a legend

And he proceeded to continue to claim he is better than Jesus by calling one of His miracles a trick

Stewart GIBCS: not like a water into wine trick

Stewart also told me he wants to write philosophy. However, his intentions are mis-aimed as he told me he is

Stewart GIBCS: contemplating the steak in the fridge.


30/11/2007

Day Four: Stewart phoned me and the first word he said was "gay". Maybe he thinks I'm a bit slow, but his hints that he might bat for the other side are blatantly obvious. Stewart’s favourite past-time is knitting. He collects GoodFood magazine – need I say more?


20/10/08

Stew is trying to change me. I pity the fool for his BAD AID's as it makes him take up pointless quests. Today Stew winked at me four times and blew two kisses. I have two witnesses. HE MUST BE STOPPED!!!!!

The Recession Of Dead End Job or, the Recession Hit Undertakers

There aren't the bodies like there used to be. Five foot six, look! Ah, back when I was a boy being fitted into coffins by my dear old undertaking dad, he would say "snug?" and before I could whisper a sound booooooooomph! Lid closed and laugh he would, as I as very tall as a boy. Eight foot three then I lost my knees in the war.

Which war?

The war of wounded knee.

Wounded knee? That was a battle

A battle yes, but part two made it a war.

Wars were shorter then.

Like people. People used to be shorter.

I thought they were taller?

Only when kneeling down.

South Africa Win World Cup

SOUTH AFRICA the indomitable champions of rugby last night celebrated beating a bunch of aged pensioners from England. “We couldn’t have done what we did without the England Coach. His choice of 15 geriatric men from various retirement homes they laughably call rugby clubs, helped us run rings round them” said star Bryan Habana. “I mean Lawrence Dallaglio suffered two mild heart attacks in the second half, he’s that old.”

“They were nearly all older than me” said President Thabo Mbeki. “When you get right down to it, I could have run pass most of the England team. Personally I think Brian Ashton indulged in a spot of grave robbing for the team we beat.”

We traced Brian Ashton down to his Residential Home for Aged Rugby Players (sometimes known as Twickenham) for his view on losing the World Cup. “Experience is what you need to win. I don’t know what went wrong. My team had tons of it. I tried selecting William Webb Ellis but apparently he is dead.” Rumours that Andrew Sheridan had been brought back from the dead to play rugby union were quashed as he stated “I was brought back from rugby league” which is much the same thing according to many union enthusiasts.

“South Africa could beat any team in the world, as long as they are all over 60, come from England, and don’t try and win” said an ecstatic Os Du Randt.
South Africa went on to win the match 16 to 5(strokes).